13 March, 2012

Reality TV Rollcall


Its a week of Scandal on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, which we'll shorten to BFGW like the travellers continuously shorten the amount of time they take between birth and marriage.

One of the travellers ran off and 'spent the night' (yes, they banged) with her fiancé, and it is imperative that the couple get married as soon as possible - because god forbid they are considered 'unclean', says the family walking around in denim shorts and literally the least clothes I have ever seen outside of an 18-30s holiday. This is the greatest irony of a traveller's life.

Over in some other caravan, Priscilla says she will go to Poland to get the breast enlargment and tummy tuck she's 'always dreamed of'. Yes, because at the age of 3, that was definitely uppermost in your mind. We also find out that this will be her second boob job. Her SECOND. Were I not a reviewer, there would literally be no words. I'm going to use one word, and one only: hooker.

Next we skim to Paddy Doherty, serial television star and 'hard man', who has an issue with defending his 'honour'. He has 'spent his whole life defending the family honour', and in this spirit, decides to put on a vest much too small for his enormous tattoed frame, and fight illegally in a boxing ring on national television. Figures.

After this, some absolute heffa called Roseanna put on a neon pink dress ready to become a respectable travellers' wife and a child of about 8 was given champagne and yelled ''I'm gonna get DRUNK'' out of a white limo. At this point I switched off and stopped writing because I'm only human and this programme is TOO FUNNY.

It was a week of Geordie Shore with a calm first half hour and a BLOODY MESSY second half as the Prodigal LADS returned to the house. As Ricci and Gary (now best banter lad friends, despite tearing each other's faces off two episodes ago) spraytanned two conveniently bookable strippers with the worst faces I've seen this side of Newcastle, Gary says 'nice tits... nice arse... I even got a semi'. And I just think - are your parents watching this? Like, genuinely, you're okay at going on TV and doing this? Really? Seriously? Right. Same goes for Rebecca, the 19-year old nymph slut who joined the cast this series, who unleashed her party trick upon the house this week. I can't even write those words down (please dear, we're British) but suffice to say it was the most uncomfortable thing I've seen on TV.

The Ricci/Vicki (Ricki) RELATIONSHIP (he called her his girlfriend, he seems to just be 'Ricks' to her... totes awks!) trundled onwards this week, destination HORROR. Ricci, like other lads, just wanted to be a lad, and go out with the lads, to do lad things like be a lad with the lads. If you think I'm saying lad a lot, you should see Ricci's interview. He took Vicki out for posh grub and then asked if he could skip the rest of their night and go to a strip joint. Vicki, through a combination of go fuck yourselfs and hilarious post-event interview clips shot him down and dumped him, without him really realising for the rest of the episode. Superb.

The sabotage at the end of the episode was great - girl power empowerment etc etc. James stepped into the limelight this week (well he's always had an interest in amateur theatre) which started with his great line 'them's nice flowers though'. He also managed to copy every single thing Jay said in the episode, whilst staring at Jay's eyes. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm referencing the fact that James is definitely GAY.  James is playing a dangerous game with 'the ladz' though - he is not one of them, as we have seen many-a-time in his failed pulling attempts and THUS needs to keep the girls on his side - who else will he bitch about the boys with?

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