07 April, 2012

The Apprentice Corner - Episode Three

The Apprentice trundled on this week into its third episode, full of assholes and dickheads the likes of which have not been seen since Junior Apprentice in November. There was some casual sexism, some great hypocrisy by Karren Brady, and Ricky Martin continued to exist.


'We need new promo shots'

Suralan began the episode by doing that 'shocking thing' he does every third episode where he mixes up boys and girls and they all act a bit squeamish like they've just gone to university after a ten-year stint at a single-sex boarding school. One team (Phoenix or the other one - really who cares about these nonsensical labels) did okay - they had some of the boys, some of the girls. HOWEVER, Katie was transferred, ALONE to the boy's team, which paved the way for some of the most obvious evidence of sexism in the workplace since all those opposition articles in the Mail.

As she put herself forward as project manager of the boy's team, Katie was greeted by general dissent amongst 'the lads', cries of 'we're behind you' from other jokers, and Adam even risked a black eye by patting her on the back rather condescendingly. Also, by the boardroom, there were general murmurs from the whole brigade about her *air quotes* 'leadership', and Alan making his usual sexist comments. Good to show the BBC bucking the trend!

Literally what is this trouser suit.
What I love about The Apprentice - its competition amongst Britain's 'brightest minds' - is that noone is able to do the simplest maths. Jane struggled this week with the most basic of problems, and, as always happens in episode two or three of the series, someone mismanaged their sums and fucked up product quantities. Please stand, Ricky Martin. Martin also believed that his clever idea 'lets take the leftover crap sauce, and repackage it' saved the day - hilare.

Some ridiculous things the teams did this week:

Made some kind of ketchup sauce that looked like concrete blood.

Named a product 'Belissimo' but spelt it wrong then flogged their shoddy wares to actual Italians. They also made packaging that is the equivalent of what I could make, with no hands, blind, on Publisher 2004, drunk, stoned and illiterate. They used Papyrus font. THE PAPYRUS FONT. If ever there was a time to repeat something, in capitals, in a sentence by itself, that was the time.

Jane said 'can I suggest we taste it'. It being the food product they are going to sell, and have tasted by companies and the public, and which will sink or swim depending on taste. Well, yes, probably a good shout Jane.


At this point in the episode, Michael 'LAD LAD GEEZER LAD' Copps was really beginning to grate on me.

Now I actually like Karren Brady - she's no Margaret but then who is? Karren's just an adequate and quite saucy replacement. BUT this week she said 'They failed on the spelling'. This coming from KaRRen Brady. KaRRen - a lady who has failed, in 43 years on Earth, to learn to spell her own name.

We get to Bridge End caff where Katie has failed for the tenth week to succeed in any way, and she says 'I dont understand how they managed to make twice as much money as us'. Here, she gives a prime example of what not to say in order to deal peacefully with the backlash of your team when you fail in The Apprentice. I, frankly, am surprised that Ricky and Azhar didn't team up and punch the 'self-confessed blonde assassin' in the face.

'Everyone's an idiot but me'
Ricky Martin's comments outside and within the boardroom are becoming increasingly catty - a few spat-out consonants away from him actually clicking his fingers and going 'uh-huhhhh' - and I'm just going to put this out there - I think he's a massive bitch. I cannot wait for this to become increasingly apparent to the teams and to the audience. A highlight was Ricky's 'I'd be embarrassed with those figures you sold' which is tantamount to saying 'I'd be embarrassed to be you right now'. Ricky, you sly.

Until next time, allons-y!

Who should win? Adam, for his ability to make Katie think he WASN'T patronising her constantly. A skill that can surely be utilised in a business environment.

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