09 May, 2012

The Apprentice Corner - 9/5/12

I'm going to do this semi-live but without the technical support of The Guardian online making it an official live-blog. Feel free to iPlayer alongside 'The Apprentice Corner' this week TO FEEL PART OF IT.

This week on 'The Apprentice', the dickwads candidates have to convince up-and-coming artists that they have the ability to sell their 'urban art'. These candidates being Ricky Martin, the most manicured guy going and Adam, who is less 'street', and more '80s house party'. This should be fun. Sssshhh it's starting!

Watching the 'previously on the Apprentice' segment just makes it abundantly clear how fucking thick this lot are. Honestly the mistakes they have made are just ludicrous. I could write a script about the thickest people on the planet and they would behave more intelligently than these 'fucktards' IN A FICTIONARY TALE.

Okay, I've already realised I can't type fast enough to keep up with this and livetweet at the same time. I will now be switching to the past tense - bear with me.

The candidates were made to meet some kind of projection of Sugar in some kind of cave. They were surrounded by some kind of graffiti. Alan said some stuff. It was all a bit dull. Basically, the point is that the candidates must meet 'up-and-coming urban artists' - in other words, they must rendez-vous with hippy twats in Olly Murs hats.

The PM discussion went pretty quickly this week, with just a few mumblings from Stephen, and we were left with Gabby (not Logan, the other one) and Tom (Mark Ronson reincarnate).

As the task began, the candidates showed just how fucking stupid they are. Tom doesn't know anything about anything, Gabby's schmoozing was laughable and Adam said, of Banksy, 'It's like the stig innit'. Sack the fucker.

The teams had to send half their team to Bristol and keep half in London. Frankly, why stop there - send half the teams to Russia and be done with it - book one-way tickets. Get one for Alan too - hopefully they won't let him tweet in Russia.

Nick and Ricky (Nicky, in bromance terms) were sent to Bristol, and pounded the pavements (walked down one small stretch of a street with the camera). Ricky said 'we look quite corporate'. No lads, you actually look like Bob The Builder on steroids and a child character from the first Harry Potter. Give over.

After seeing an artist with the funniest voice of all time, it was decision time. It was time to face the music. Let the cheese meet the burger etc. Both teams chose the same artist so Tom got all sad for a moment, went a bit hyperbolic 'its a no-win situation for us' and then decided to drown his sorrows by representing some of the shittest and biggest art in existence. You might have thought he threw the task, but then you saw that Scottish one trying to sell stuff and you realised THEY'RE ALL BAD.

Overall, Tom deserved to go because he said, and I QUOTE, 'I had good a knowledge of this scene'. Tosser.

I have come to the conclusion that the boardroom is quite boring. Its been so similar for so many years that I find myself switching off and dreaming of Katie Hopkins whenever we go in there. We either need a new, orange boardroom or the action needs to take place on a plane or a boat or something.

As Laura was predictably fired, she left the boardroom with the phrase 'take care'. Take care? Take CARE? You're not fucking Drake love, now get on out of it.

Next week, its the alcohol task of the season and all the candidates will get fucked and will fuck up the task with their fucking personalities.

Who Should Win? Katie

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