03 May, 2012

The Apprentice Corner

So last week Katie was booted off and frankly I haven't got out of bed for a week and I'm still wearing black in mourning. Jenna should have been hired for her voice alone, and Adam/Azhar are tiring very quickly. I have just forced myself up, eaten some alphabet spaghetti which I spelt into 'KATIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIRED' and now I'm ready for this week. I hope Katie gets a reprieve. And now for past tense.

This week's task was to buy some old junk from a massive warehouse and the contestants gained extra points for making lazy cultural stereotypes of the people of Essex. Frankly we should have just left all the candidates in the warehouse and let Katie claim the title because the candidates this series are boring the life out of me.

One team decided to go for small, mechanical bugs that whizz round the floor, which sold for THREE QUID. We used to have these at work and we quite literally sold none in three weeks and sent them back. How the team managed to flog these I have no idea.

In a market somewhere in Romford, Adam and Stephen decided to form some kind of Delboy and Russell Kane double-act, using an actual broom to literally scratch each others' backs, as if thats the purpose of brooms. There are no words. We were then welcomed to the stupidest woman in Essex, who when Ricky said she could pick her favourite broom, replied 'oh but they're all the same'. YES WE KNOW. THANK YOU FOR REINFORCING NATIONAL STEREOTYPES.

Adam's name is Adam Corbally but I have taken to calling him 'Twat Coat' and also sometimes 'Twat Quote' when he says something twatty, LIKE VERY WEEK. This episode, he listed normal places that people shop - a market, a shop, a retail park - and used this as proof that he 'can sell anywhere in the world'. I'd like to see him in an abandoned quarry in North Wales selling motorised bugs and fake tan and then see how bloody good he is. Also Ricky Martin The Bitch reared her head again but quickly was shut down by the fact that nobody cares until he does Livin La Vida Loca in karaoke after a task.

As we leave 'the warehouse full of crap' and enter 'the boardroom that's actually a tv set', Sugar says 'I like this task because it replicates how I started in business'. More graphic ego-rubbing from Alan here - something I feel we all want more of. Oh no wait what's that you say? We DON'T want to see Sugar verbally masturbate on primetime BBC1? OH OKAY.

As Nick and Margaret Karren read out two numbers each - the cash AND the assets, noone knew who had won until they read out the final total. Honestly, if the candidates haven't done GCSE Maths we really shouldn't let them into business. Adding 600 to 200 and getting 800 is hardly a tall ask, even if you are 11 like Nick.

Now in the boardroom Azhar was a twat and rightfully was fired. He seemed to have learnt the word 'strategy' that week, and Jade put it perfectly when she said 'you say strategy and it makes you look like you know what you're talking about'. What's great is that for this bunch of morons and thickwits, 'strategy' is a long and complicated word. I can't wait till someone brings out the big guns like 'accountability' or 'balance sheet' and Jenna's head explodes.

It all got a bit serious when Sugar asked 'why should I not terminate your existence?' as if he finally got that laser cannon delivered and is looking for his first victims in a real-life Hunger Games. But Azhar got off having to take a black cab back to the gym he clearly lives in and all the candidates went home. Next week: the candidates pitch for and sell urban art. I think they could just put Adam's weird head on a platform and we'd be done.

Who Should Win? Katie

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