06 May, 2012

Things That Are Wrong With The Voice (Everything) #thevoiceuk

So The Voice battles on this week, consistently smug with its ratings, but still as shit as ever. It's not even 'shit and we love it' it's just shit. The reason we're watching is because there's not much else on and noone can resist the comedy of live-tweeting a Jessie J TV appearance, but if any of the BBC's Press Office actually checked Twitter they'd realise we all pretty much hate the show and here's why:

Note: I call the judges 'judges' and not ''coaches'' because they are ''judges''.

The Battle Rounds We had two absolute losers singing at/to each other in a faux-boxing ring as if this were some kind of tacky themed karaoke bar costing the public twenty-two million pounds. As each raced to get a vocal hernia, burst a vein in their eye or pop a lung before their competitor, we were treated subjected to some of the worst ear-splitting notes ever. It was like a catfight during chucking out time at a Newcastle Wetherspoons.

Holly Willoughby 'Holly Willoughbooby' was trending within the first five minutes of yesterday's show due to Holly's inability to wear actual clothes. You'd think that after thirty one years of living as a human, she'd have mastered the concept, but no. In the first week, she wore actual lingerie during a primetime family show on the BBC, and last night was in some sort of competition to prove herself as the yummiest mummy, in the most inappropriate format ever. She also talks like an 80-year old smoker and is not able to yell people's names dramatically. This is quite important on a TV talent show.

Despite these promo shots, the two are never seen together.
 Reggie Yates and the V Room Somewhere in an office at the BBC in late 2011, someone said 'we need to use social networking wisely when we premiere The Voice' and someone else said 'Reggie Yates is a shit presenter but we've already booked him and paid his deposit'. Then, the leader of The Voice (possibly Holly herself) said 'well let's just put him in a room with boring generic tweets from pre-teens on a screen behind him and he can pretend to be a comforting presence but actually just be quite leery. The public like that. Right? RIGHT.'
Note: my tweets never get read out and I don't know why. Mine would liven up the V Room a treat.

Jessie J Quite literally the worst person ever. Whilst simultaneously telling us how 'cut-throat' the music industry is, how much she has grafted for success and how talented she is, she proceeds to be unfailingly positive about every performance (even the truly dire ones - I'm looking at you Sam Buttery). She also puts on ridiculous faces whenever anyone does anything with noise. She's also a massive hypocrite and quite unlikeable and a bit smug.

William I'm not calling him Will.I.Am because frankly that's ridiculous and he should just have a normal name that doesn't format itself to a hyperlink whenever you type it. This guy is not just ineloquent or 'bad with words' - he's a fucking tool. He cannot formulate words, dresses like a hipster power ranger and says things that actually don't make sense. He also livetweets DURING the show for the following reason:

RT @IAMWILL Thank you everyone who watched #thevoiceuk tonight...if you saw me on my phone I wasn't being rude...I was connecting to people watching

Connecting to people watching? How new-age of you. You were actually just tweeting shit like 'let's go', 'knock em out' and 'im proud of my team' [these are actual quotes]. SHOVE OFF WILLIAM AND TAKE YOUR CLOTHES FROM THE FUTURE WITH YOU.

Tom Jones He sits there like a mute who doesn't know what's going on and can just name famous people in his sultry tones. I'm not complaining but I'd rather he was Lady Gaga.

Danny from the fucking Script Now this rosary-clad demin criminal has said publicly that after the first show of The Voice UK, he 'woke up to a better uk music scene'. This is ludicrous for so many reasons. I'll leave that with you because frankly there are so many things wrong with the statement that when I start writing about them I end up smashing my head into the keyboard.

All That Praise Now, over on #xfactor, criticism is usually said to create drama or is strategically said by the judges. On The Voice, criticism simply doesn't exist. Jessie said on yesterday's show that the programme is so great because they don't bring people at their full potential and have 'yes men' around them, but that they nurture and hone talent. This is bollocks because even constructive criticism ('you were slightly pitchy' is the most they will say to a contestant who can't sing in tune) is book-ended by huge amounts of ifs, buts and praise. BE MORE NEGATIVE. WE'RE POSTMODERN - WE CAN'T COPE WITH ALL THIS FRIVOLITYAND JOY.

The Contestants & Songs The contestants are all mediocre cruise performers, save about three, and the song choices are always generic and a bit dull. But I have a big problem with three of the performers.
  1. Bo Bruce Last night she sang a Kate Bush song and continued her campaign to shift Ellie Goulding from her position of 'being Ellie Goulding and singing like her'. She's already knocked Dido and Diana Vickers off their stools but she's going in for a triple kill. She thought about 'singing in my actual voice' but realise it wasn't for her.
  2. Matt Cardle I don't know this guy's actual name. I think it's something like Steve but I don't really care. He sang 'Sweet Disposition' and aside from the fact that none of the judges knew the song (HELLO! THE TEMPER TRAP! HELLO?) he also sang it all out of key in a crappy falsetto but somehow got a GREAT FAT STANDING O FROM ALL JUDGES. He also single-handedly murdered music.
  3. Tyler James Yes you were Amy Winehouse's friend and I think maybe you should open up about that because you don't really mention it at all. Anyway. Last week he sang 'Higher Love' and I just want to alert everyone to the video below this paragraph. Now Tyler said that he'd wanted to do a higher version of this song for a while. No. What actually happened is he heard the McMorrow version and thought he could sing it. He sang it as close to this version as he could. What he did here guys is MUSIC PLAGIARISM. On a show that's all about 'musical integrity' and 'art', you'd think James might give a nod to the person who created the version of the song he is singing and thus kept him in the competition. But no he didn't - he attempted to pass off the idea as his own to come across as an 'artiste'. He actually came across as a 'ballbag'.

The Editing Over on the other side, editing is slick, clever and exciting. Over on the Beeb, its as if goats are being manually made to drag giant screens over other screens because everything is SO SLOW. And they also need to introduce a 'IT'S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC' tagline because something in the show needs to be more then mediocre. Also, the 'rehearsal in a brick room with Jessie J' VTs are apalling.

The Standing Ovations These have lost all meaning. Holly Willoughby could fart and Danny would rise up in his double-denim combo and clap like a seal. If there was a prize for 'giving unnecessary standing ovations', Danny would win it. And then I'd knock him over the head with it. Every time the judges stand for some inconsequential karaoke ballad I feel like writing a strongly-worded letter of complaint but instead, have this blogged paragraph you fuckerz.

The 'Live Shows' On Sundays, the show is NOT LIVE. Despite a confusing mix of 'today' and 'tonight' and 'last night' being bandied about the programme's communal lexis, everyone on the show wears the same fucking clothes. We all KNOW it's not live so just TELL US we've all read THE GUARDIAN'S TV SECTION.

Basically it's all crap and we only watch it to make funnies and get retweets. Scrap the whole concept and start over, and for the last time, Danny Cohen*, don't use Jessie J in something how many times do I have to tell you that this is NOT OK. Long live double denim though.

No comments:

Post a Comment